Saying Goodbye...

Antelope Valley, CA  April 2003  age 17

Today is the birthday of one of the best little souls I have ever known.   He's been gone nine years and as I wander through memories of his life, I find myself thinking about his death.  He left in a way that was, to me, as remarkable as he lived.

If you have loved an animal (especially a long-lived one), you have probably faced what we all dread…the "end of life" decision.  Gig had followed my every footstep throughout his long life.   

On a visit to my Mom's, when he was almost 17, the family vet gave him his shots then said "at his age, he probably doesn't need shots anymore".  I thought to myself, "Why didn't you say that BEFORE you gave him the shot?".  That evening, Gig collapsed. The shoulder where he got the shot wouldn't work.  He couldn't stand, much less walk…and it kept getting worse.  In the morning, we were back at the vet who said,  "It's neurological, there is nothing I can do, you're gonna lose him."  

Gig seemed to be going down so fast that my family said their goodbyes and I tried to make him as comfortable as I could for his "last" days.  One morning I took him outside, set him down…and watched in disbelief as he stood then took a couple of unsteady steps.  By the end of the day he was tottering around again like his old self, unphased by his "near death" experience.  For the rest of his life, though…that shoulder would "go out" now and then.

With Dad on the ranch, Del Norte, CO   May 2003

In June, during a visit to my Dad's ranch in Colorado, I looked up to see Gig (who was nearly blind and mostly deaf) following Dad up the log staircase.  I launched myself toward him while calling out to Dad, who was just getting to the top.  We were both too late…Gig toppled over backwards and tumbled down the staircase to the floor.  It looked like something out of a movie…I remember it in slow motion.  When he hit bottom, he writhed as if his back was broken, his neck twisted around and obviously in pain.  Sure that he had broken something, I immobilized him as Dad called the vet who lived down the road.  When we arrived at the vet's house and I set him carefully on the floor, he was still not moving.  The vet asked…"what did he do when he tried to walk?"  me:  "he hasn't yet, we brought him straight here".  About that time, the vet's Corgi walked by. Gig got up and tottered after the Corgi as if nothing had happened.  

Giggy the Poodle   October 2003

Over the next months, Gig was his old self, just old…and he traveled with me back and forth across the country, as always.  In Tennessee for Halloween at Mom's, I made "poodle" costumes for Gig and I. Together we won three costume contests...one was a parade and he proudly pranced along beside me (he always loved a good costume).  

In December, Gig was in the room with all of us as Dad died.  

In January, back in Idaho, I came home after walking to the Post Office and found Gig had fallen over the rocker of my chair and had not been able to get up.  I'd only been gone for about 20 minutes…but what if I'd been gone longer?  So we visited the vet to discuss what would be in Gig's best interest.  The kind vet said:  "He is not in any pain…he is living because he wants to be with you".  

So, I tried to help my old friend be "old" as comfortably as possible. Meanwhile, I processed my recent losses and faced losing him.  As we began this last phase of our long journey together, I told him:  "When you quit trying to eat and trying to walk…we'll go to the vet…you just tell me when".

In February, he traveled with me to San Diego for the opening of my "48 x 48" show…he always loved beaches, so I made sure he got to go to some. 

On the road somewhere   November 2003

One day it happened…he had been eating less and less, walking less and less…then he didn't do either.  Snuggling him to my chest as I lay on the sofa, I called my Mom to tell her I was putting him down and we shared a good cry. The moment I hung up the phone Gig got up, tottered across the room to his dish and started eating.  So, I postponed the vet visit.

The circumstances of my Dad's last hours had given me reason to believe that, as much as we have a right to LIVE as we choose, we also have a right to die the way we choose when possible and humane.  It would seem that Gig was not ready or willing to have the "dying" part of his life decided for him…and who was I to deny him that if he was not in pain?

For the next few weeks, it was back to our routine.

Several friends were going to an art show in Montana at the end of March and I was going to visit them there.  A couple of days before the show, Gig stopped eating and walking again.  I didn't want to subject him to the stress of another trip, so I called to say that I was still coming to the show, but I would be putting him down before.  Another call ended with everyone in tears. Once again, as soon as I put down the phone, Gig got up and walked straight to his food bowl.

March 2004

So…Gig went to Great Falls with me. As we arrived for the last day of the show, he looked at me and something solemn passed between us.  Instead of going to the show, Gig and I went back to the hotel room. It was Sunday, so I called a vet and made an appointment for the next morning.  With Gig snuggled in my lap, I spent the day reliving countless moments of our eighteen years together.  My friends returned in the evening…they said their goodbyes and one took the last pic of me and my old friend.  

I fell asleep with Gig in my arms, snuggled on my chest and his head under my chin.  Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, he pushed me awake with a paw…then he looked me in the eyes…and, in moments, he was gone. He was a few days short of eighteen.

There were so many times over the years when I thought I had lost him, when I worried something would happen and I wouldn't be there for him.  As it was, I can not think of a better way to say goodbye to this remarkable little soul who had been such an amazing part of my life …and I know he wanted it exactly that way.

Giggy the "Litebulbhead"   April 1, 1986 - March 21, 2004